This morning I weighed in at 193.8, which means that I’ve officially lost 20.7lbs since I began this journey the day after my twenty-third birthday. The weight has honestly come off much quicker than I was expecting but I assume that this will slow down over time. I believe this is in part due to going to the gym at least 5 times per week and consistently tracking my points and being mindful following days when I’ve slipped up and gone overboard.
Last night I went to a concert and after the show the group I was with was invited to go onboard the tour bus to hang out with the artist. I joined in and had a wonderfully fun time. Admittedly, I enjoyed a few drinks, but I was cognizant in staying within my allotment of Weight Watchers points. I don’t regret it at all, but I also want to maintain my sobriety 99% of my time throughout this journey. A month ago I probably would have declined the invitation to go, for fear of how I looked. A year ago I would have been inhibited by my crippling and uncharacteristic social anxiety. I had great conversations with the artist, his crew, and my friends. I actually felt like I was welcome, enjoyed, and belonged there. With each pound lost, I am gaining back so much more in my life. Experiences like that are why I am doing this.
Additionally, after the show I purchased a t-shirt, partially as a souvenir, and partially because I have a very limited amount of clothing to work out in at the moment. I got a size XL and when I put it on this morning, I realized it is way too big for me. I will still wear it to the gym and whatnot, but it was a positive reminder that this process is working and worth it.
With each pound lost I feel like my steps have become lighter, everything has become just a bit more effortless. For the first time in months, I’ve been able to fall asleep without the assistance of my Trazedone prescription. My eyes have fluttered open, ushered so by the light of the morning. My wakefulness precedes my alarm clock. I remain awake with a level of alertness that I am just now calling forth from the depths of my memory. My skin somehow feels like it is glowing- I see a blushed warmth in my cheeks when I smile at myself in the mirror— I actually look at myself in the mirror, and I don’t feel the burning singe of hate in my heart I had grown to fight, and then began to ignore.
To feel hungry— to feel a genuine want and need for food as a form of nourishment is something I had forgotten about. The joy of taking time to prepare a meal, to chop the fresh produce and enjoy an apple’s natural sweetness, the crisp crunch of a carrot, or the buttery texture of an artichoke is something that disappeared from me in the midst of my depression.
Of course, preparing a fresh meal is not always something I am able to do because of the constraints of time, but it has become a truly enjoyable ritual to carefully select things at the grocery store, consider how they may nourish me and how I will prepare them. This is so vastly different from my previous habit of hurriedly picking up as many frozen meals and pre-made foods as I can afford with my limited funds— If I even made it to the grocery store. Food delivery services cater to depression, fuel it, by allowing you to forgo the necessary events of interaction, or the need to take the blip of effort to put things into a shopping cart, to place them in a microwave.
I have so much more now. It’s as if all of the things that were fundamentally wrong in my life are slowly being fixed, healed through this process.
I’ve experienced the comfort of knowing I have emergency money in my savings account. The financial ability to go to movies, experience fun outside of bars, to gas my car for a day trip, or enjoy a new book that I gift to myself.
On a heavier note, i’ve felt safety in knowing that, if assaulted again, I would have the physical power to run away or fight back. I feel safety in knowing that as my confidence has slowly returned to me, I have a voice that I can use, a voice I am starting to believe in.
There is something amazing in the way I can feel my personality returning to me— a spirit of light and enjoyment of life that had left my body for a few years. I laugh genuinely, and with my whole heart. I’m not afraid to be around people. Let me rephrase that: I’m no longer trying to hide— my body or my mind.
I cannot wait to see what other revelations will come as I continue on this journey. As I nourish my body and take care of it as a temple, I nourish my passion for enjoyment of life and I drink in the experiences that come my way.
Oh, and my double chin is now like, a 1.5 chin so big ups for that!
Goodbye to the twenty extra pounds of weight and the world that have been on my body, mind and spirit, and, Bye Bye to my slowly dwindling muffin top!